Fish on Land

Which Way is Up?

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world. - Muhammad Ali

With 2 minutes of sunlight left, I walk back to the office with my late lunch, a toasted wheat, peanut butter, jelly and banana sandwich and consider that, as honest and hard-working as I believe myself to be, I always end up pissing off my managers. To be fair, I’ve had some pretty uninspiring managers and pretty much let them know it in so many words. The tricky part is: what does it say about me? An aversion to authority is textbook. I don’t like being led by people with visible human flaws. I want an ideal, an advocate, a mentor, a sophisticated leader. Managing people is not easy, over 80% of managers in industry in the U.S. have had no formal people-management training. Many times they are promoted simply by virtue of remaining in one place long enough.

I’ve learned that I’m not motivated by money or status. I don’t particularly care what my title is or what cache it carries. My main motivation, I’ve learned after over 20 years of hard work, is being recognized and acknowledged for doing great work. That’s it. That’s my boat, cart, fiddle and caboodle. I’ve gone so far as to emphasize that positive reinforcement really works with me, hinting that a casual, “job well done” thrown in my direction is priceless. I hate those decoy meetings, where you think things are going smoothly and then a torpedo surfaces and your stomach lurches as you imagine taking cover. A casually tossed, “You’ve done everything very well, but you should have handled this or that differently,” or “I know that you’re working yourself to death, but can you move the launch date up 2 weeks?” or “You need to depersonalize your interpersonal interactions.” Are you seriously joking or truly serious? Unebe-fing-lievable. I am not making this up. I am also an expert at detecting hogwash. My BS radar starts a sonar alarm and all systems lock down. At best, I will implement a 3-foot-distance-at-all-times position and never take you into my confidence again. At worst, well, you get the point. However subtle, you have taken me for granted and lost my respect. I know I sound super harsh. I take my work seriously and I expect those around me to do the same. It’s a point of pride and it’s one of my truths.

Through the Looking Glass

Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge.  - Charles Darwin

You never know what moments in life will matter. In love, family, work, art, ethics. What fantastic memories will be lost and what terrible memories will stick. Or vice versa. What behavior or comment will be used to judge you. And of course what you process to judge others. We have so little control over what people choose to cling to and discard. I’m just realizing this now. And it’s hard to accept. I’m a perfectionist. I despise mess and clutter and irrational behavior and rules that make no sense and I’m stubborn and I usually think that I’m right. I am loyal and dedicated and hold people up to a very high standard. I am confident. I am also afraid. Afraid of being undervalued, used, ignored. I trust people with too much and when they fail I lock them out and make it clear how they have failed. This is a pattern, I see it in myself and the years of disappointment are hard to look at with a clear eye. I’m not perfect after all.